A: First of all, meditation can help you to be aware of suicidal feelings before they would otherwise break through into your consciousness. When these thoughts are unconscious is when they're most dangerous. When you notice that you stop your breathing after the out-breath, that's a danger signal. That particular breath pattern is caused by such a strong unhappiness with your life that you want to escape from life. Breath is life; holding the moment of no-breath expresses your attraction for no-life. This is very common, as many people unconsciously feel their life is meaningless, but for one who has identified suicidal thoughts, this signal is a critical warning. When you notice this pause after your out-breath, force your breath out even farther and then breathe in right away, filling yourself with new life.

Another signal is not being able to get enough oxygen when you breathe consciously. This is usually caused by a fear of death, or a fear of attraction to death. People make their breath shallow to avoid the depth of their feelings and the slippery slope that leads from despair to death. I suspect that because of your reported thoughts of suicide in the past that you're not breathing out far enough. You could be keeping yourself away from the bottom of the breath because that moment feels a little like death. You should do the opposite.

This is a kind of homeopathic remedy for suicidal feelings -- touch the point of no-breath for the length of time between a heartbeat. That will be a small dose of death, enough to relieve it's itch. Don't stop after the out-breath, but don't retreat to a shallow breath either. Just touch the point at the end of the breath. This momentary taste of a no-life condition is actually an innoculation that can cure your fear of death and remove its attraction.

The story from Hazrat Inayat Khan about this is that a man who was drowning in the darkness called out for help, and a hand reached down to him. The man asked, "Whose hand is this?" and a voice said, "A friend." He didn't take that hand, and called out again. Again a hand came, and when he asked, "Whose hand is this?" the answer came, "God." He didn't take that hand either. He called out a third time and a third time a hand came to rescue him. He said, "Whose hand is this?" and the answer was, "Murshid." He took that hand and was saved. ("Murshid" means teacher.)

The point is that you will not let yourself be helped by those whom you might be able to pull into the sea with you. And you cannot be helped by an abstract being. It must be someone who is known to you and in whose strength you trust. That person is your murshid, and he or she can save you. Make this call explicit by saying aloud, "Help me Murshid!" Then once you have grasped that hand, by feeling the love your murshid has for you and you have for your murshid, let yourself be pulled up out of the water. There is no more effort. It's not like a rope you have to climb. You will be pulled up, and you will be saved.

In addition, you have to solve the puzzle that faces you. The underlying cause of your depression is likely a crisis in your understanding of your purpose. Perhaps you have not yet found that contribution that only you can make. The guidance you need will come from your heart as you put your attention on it and receive the confirmation of your heartbeat. Or you may be between a career that gave you your sense of purpose in the past and your next step which will bring you to a much greater contribution, greater than all you have accomplished throughout your life. Your life so far has been a preparation for the work ahead. Your experience is desperately needed.